Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
