We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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