So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
