You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
