Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
