Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
