I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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