i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
