I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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