Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
