There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
