Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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