I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
