ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
