My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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