is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
