Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize