Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
