I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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