dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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