i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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