btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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