i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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