I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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