i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
