Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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