goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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