you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
