Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
