my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize