I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
