i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He better not be in your backpack
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
