I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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