He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
