just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
