By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize