I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
