shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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