tell your sister to shave her snatch
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
