My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
