You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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