brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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