You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
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