I am puke
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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