my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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