Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you didnt know i had herpes?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
