I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
