you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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