Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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