the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
