May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
