There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
