Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
