and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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