I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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