You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she told me i tasted like america
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
