so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
