im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
