i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
