yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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