she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
