ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
ttyl tear gas
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
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