Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
