At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
