you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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