I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
